Top Vacation Destinations for Former Billionaires

Gary, IN
Come experience the charm of Olde Gary! Stay in a quaint bed-and-breakfast (flophouse in an Olde Tyre Factorye) and have lunch at one of our many fine bistros (Church's Chicken, Popeye's Chicken, hot-dog dispenser at the Brunswick A&P). For dinner, be sure to visit Barry's Burger Barn, where the hand-chewed wood decor and glow of a jukebox playing "Kathmandu" by Bob Seger will help you get a head start on your second heart attack.

Sapphire Gentlemen's Club, Las Vegas, NV
Just come in and class up the joint. I mean how many strip clubs can say they have a former billionaire working the bar? There's a two-drink minimum and we serve Heineken in tiny plastic cups.

Barguzin Nature Reserve, Buryatia, Russia
Because, contrary to popular belief, the black-capped marmot is the most dangerous game.

Some Huge Corporate Resort, Somewhere, The World

Used to be you could fly out to an exclusive hideaway only people with the special credit cards knew about. Those days are over. Now you have the joy of rubbing elbows with nouveau riche douches who think they're hot shit because they made their first million. Sure, a hot tub is still nice, and you'll get the room with the best view, but if being submerged head-first in the hoi polloi still drives you nuts, just strangle one of them by the ice cooler. You're still worth three-hundred times what the guy who runs hotornot.com is. Right? Right?

The Bottom of Tommy's Above-Ground Pool, Tampa, FL
Tommy's just like you, and has opened up use of his very exclusive above-ground pool to anyone whose valuation dropped by more than $500 million last year. Fun in the Florida sun, but watch out for the dog, and hands off the wife!

Grandma's House, Augusta, GA
Listen, I don't care that all of the other billionaires are going to St. Tropez this summer. If they all jumped off a bridge, would you? I didn't think so. Grandma's house has been fine every other summer, it should be fine now. Think about how you'd feel if she died on Labor Day and you hadn't got to see her.

Suicide Point, Mojave, AZ
Fuck it, right?

Remi T. wrote like half of this shizzzito! But I won't tell you which!