1. If you do it missionary-style, you will see the end of your galaxy in their eyes. If you do it doggy-style, their tramp stamp spells out the names of your unborn children--and the dates of their deaths.
2. Often infect you with terrifying future viruses . . . or bubonic plague.
3. Treat one badly and you end up as a grotesque caricature in the Iliad.
4. You can never compare to the sexual skills of future humans, who can pleasure their partners telepathically. Also they have BIG dicks. Just huge. Go on forever. Almost prehensile. They can open a can of soda with their dicks and get a girl pregnant at the same time. You can't compete. They're also dwarves from carrying around all that unmanageable weight. So, joke's on them, really.
5. The pain you feel when semen re-enters your urethra is indescribable.
6. They may slip up and call you "President Arthur" while you climax.
7. Sire a child with one and you will have already met them for five minutes in a nursing home when you were 12.
8. Sometimes forget that 21st Century humans don't have a back-up rectum, unlike our forbears (fun fact about Neanderthal Man!).
9. Threesomes will give you the distinct impression there's only one.
10. HAVE YOU EVER MET A TIME PIMP?
Thanks to The Gooch for his contributions to this list!-Joe
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Dating Tips for Boys
1. For a first date, take her to a go-kart course that you are familiar with. That way you can win or lose to her, based on what will get you “laid.”
2. If you're nervous about asking someone out on a date, try practicing on your friends, “Palmela” and her “Five Sisters”. Also, masturbate furiously.
3. When you're out on a date with a woman, be sure to—wait, you're on a date with a woman? But you're only a boy!
4. Girls respond well to pleasant conversation, the giving of gifts, and ventriloquism.
5. Some quick grooming tips: before a date, be sure to shower, shave, and floss until your mouth is full of blood.
6. Just remember that no one loves you as much as I do. No woman can replace your 7th grade math teacher.
2. If you're nervous about asking someone out on a date, try practicing on your friends, “Palmela” and her “Five Sisters”. Also, masturbate furiously.
3. When you're out on a date with a woman, be sure to—wait, you're on a date with a woman? But you're only a boy!
4. Girls respond well to pleasant conversation, the giving of gifts, and ventriloquism.
5. Some quick grooming tips: before a date, be sure to shower, shave, and floss until your mouth is full of blood.
6. Just remember that no one loves you as much as I do. No woman can replace your 7th grade math teacher.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Personal: Something I Wish Were Just a Vivid Nightmare
I had a dream in which I was married to this horrible person. But that wasn't the nightmarish part. The nightmarish part was explaining my new bride...to my mother. I guess it was one of those shame dreams.
NOTE: THIS IS NOT A LIST
Heavy-handed Social Metaphors That Were Never Used in Star Trek
An overpopulated planet of immortals where ABORTION is MANDATORY.
CAPTAIN PICARD in a desperate attempt to stop a PLANET BOMB must TORTURE a KLINGON to disarm it. The BOMB goes off anyway and PICARD must WRESTLE with his broken moral CODE.
The OBESE, ACNE-RIDDLED emperor of an alien planet is EMBARRASSED that his THIN, BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER does not conform to his SOCIETY'S STANDARD OF BEAUTY. SHE and RIKER have a THING.
A planet on which marriage BETWEEN THE SEXES is ILLEGAL and only HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES are ALLOWED.
A VOYEUR PLANET where everyone is always on TV. The CREW of the ENTERPRISE almost starts a CIVIL WAR when they defend the privacy of the LAST UN-TELEVISED entity on BETA 3. SHE and RIKER have a THING.
The Q CONTINUUM INVADE and OCCUPY the EARTH and attempt to force the Federation into ENLIGHTENED GODHOOD. Only after the release of HORRIFIC PICTURES of the ABUSE of the CREW of the ENTERPRISE do the Continuum withdraw in shame.
A planet where all COMMERCE, WAR, and LOVE are performed in an an ONLINE GAME. DATA must attain 95th LEVEL KNIGHTHOOD in order to DETERMINE the WHEREABOUTS of a FERENGI SPY. WESLEY has CYBERSEX with a TAUREN of UNKNOWN GENDER
A planet of FREE and FREQUENT sexual relations. The CREW of the ENTERPRISE must negotiate a TRADE PACT with the alien leaders. GEORDI still STRIKES OUT.
This was written in tandem with my writing partner Remi T., or as I like to call him, "The Gooch." -joe
CAPTAIN PICARD in a desperate attempt to stop a PLANET BOMB must TORTURE a KLINGON to disarm it. The BOMB goes off anyway and PICARD must WRESTLE with his broken moral CODE.
The OBESE, ACNE-RIDDLED emperor of an alien planet is EMBARRASSED that his THIN, BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER does not conform to his SOCIETY'S STANDARD OF BEAUTY. SHE and RIKER have a THING.
A planet on which marriage BETWEEN THE SEXES is ILLEGAL and only HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES are ALLOWED.
A VOYEUR PLANET where everyone is always on TV. The CREW of the ENTERPRISE almost starts a CIVIL WAR when they defend the privacy of the LAST UN-TELEVISED entity on BETA 3. SHE and RIKER have a THING.
The Q CONTINUUM INVADE and OCCUPY the EARTH and attempt to force the Federation into ENLIGHTENED GODHOOD. Only after the release of HORRIFIC PICTURES of the ABUSE of the CREW of the ENTERPRISE do the Continuum withdraw in shame.
A planet where all COMMERCE, WAR, and LOVE are performed in an an ONLINE GAME. DATA must attain 95th LEVEL KNIGHTHOOD in order to DETERMINE the WHEREABOUTS of a FERENGI SPY. WESLEY has CYBERSEX with a TAUREN of UNKNOWN GENDER
and BRAGS to WORF that he has "LOST his VIRGINITY."
A planet of FREE and FREQUENT sexual relations. The CREW of the ENTERPRISE must negotiate a TRADE PACT with the alien leaders. GEORDI still STRIKES OUT.
This was written in tandem with my writing partner Remi T., or as I like to call him, "The Gooch." -joe
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Top Vacation Destinations for Former Billionaires
Gary, IN
Come experience the charm of Olde Gary! Stay in a quaint bed-and-breakfast (flophouse in an Olde Tyre Factorye) and have lunch at one of our many fine bistros (Church's Chicken, Popeye's Chicken, hot-dog dispenser at the Brunswick A&P). For dinner, be sure to visit Barry's Burger Barn, where the hand-chewed wood decor and glow of a jukebox playing "Kathmandu" by Bob Seger will help you get a head start on your second heart attack.
Sapphire Gentlemen's Club, Las Vegas, NV
Just come in and class up the joint. I mean how many strip clubs can say they have a former billionaire working the bar? There's a two-drink minimum and we serve Heineken in tiny plastic cups.
Barguzin Nature Reserve, Buryatia, Russia
Because, contrary to popular belief, the black-capped marmot is the most dangerous game.
The Bottom of Tommy's Above-Ground Pool, Tampa, FL
Tommy's just like you, and has opened up use of his very exclusive above-ground pool to anyone whose valuation dropped by more than $500 million last year. Fun in the Florida sun, but watch out for the dog, and hands off the wife!
Grandma's House, Augusta, GA
Listen, I don't care that all of the other billionaires are going to St. Tropez this summer. If they all jumped off a bridge, would you? I didn't think so. Grandma's house has been fine every other summer, it should be fine now. Think about how you'd feel if she died on Labor Day and you hadn't got to see her.
Suicide Point, Mojave, AZ
Fuck it, right?
Remi T. wrote like half of this shizzzito! But I won't tell you which!
Come experience the charm of Olde Gary! Stay in a quaint bed-and-breakfast (flophouse in an Olde Tyre Factorye) and have lunch at one of our many fine bistros (Church's Chicken, Popeye's Chicken, hot-dog dispenser at the Brunswick A&P). For dinner, be sure to visit Barry's Burger Barn, where the hand-chewed wood decor and glow of a jukebox playing "Kathmandu" by Bob Seger will help you get a head start on your second heart attack.
Sapphire Gentlemen's Club, Las Vegas, NV
Just come in and class up the joint. I mean how many strip clubs can say they have a former billionaire working the bar? There's a two-drink minimum and we serve Heineken in tiny plastic cups.
Barguzin Nature Reserve, Buryatia, Russia
Because, contrary to popular belief, the black-capped marmot is the most dangerous game.
Some Huge Corporate Resort, Somewhere, The World
Used to be you could fly out to an exclusive hideaway only people with the special credit cards knew about. Those days are over. Now you have the joy of rubbing elbows with nouveau riche douches who think they're hot shit because they made their first million. Sure, a hot tub is still nice, and you'll get the room with the best view, but if being submerged head-first in the hoi polloi still drives you nuts, just strangle one of them by the ice cooler. You're still worth three-hundred times what the guy who runs hotornot.com is. Right? Right?The Bottom of Tommy's Above-Ground Pool, Tampa, FL
Tommy's just like you, and has opened up use of his very exclusive above-ground pool to anyone whose valuation dropped by more than $500 million last year. Fun in the Florida sun, but watch out for the dog, and hands off the wife!
Grandma's House, Augusta, GA
Listen, I don't care that all of the other billionaires are going to St. Tropez this summer. If they all jumped off a bridge, would you? I didn't think so. Grandma's house has been fine every other summer, it should be fine now. Think about how you'd feel if she died on Labor Day and you hadn't got to see her.
Fuck it, right?
Remi T. wrote like half of this shizzzito! But I won't tell you which!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Euphemisms For Mundane Body Parts
Angular bits: the elbows
The Michaels Zone: Left shin
Flapjacks: Eyelids
Mole hole: belly button
The Nunnery: Knuckles
Irish Homeland: Back of the neck
Bad Lieutenant: Spine
Nibbles: Nipples
Thanks to Remi T. for his contributions!
The Michaels Zone: Left shin
Flapjacks: Eyelids
Mole hole: belly button
The Nunnery: Knuckles
Irish Homeland: Back of the neck
Bad Lieutenant: Spine
Nibbles: Nipples
Thanks to Remi T. for his contributions!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Unsung Heroes of the Civil War
Col. Samuel “Personkiller” Garvey
Confederacy
There were approximately 12,000 Union casualties in the Battle of Fredricksburg. Garvey was responsible for 10,000 alone. Born in 1830, he somehow managed to enlist in the British Expeditionary Force at the beginning of World War I, and died in a trench at the Battle of the Somme, his hands clenched around the neck of a dead German soldier.
Maj. Alfie McClellan
Union
Brother of one time Union Army general-in-chief Gen. George McClellan, this notorious drunk showed up for three distinct battles* naked except for his cavalry saber. A hero of the Battle of Antietam, he somehow managed to take fifty Confederate troops prisoner when his bottom half was fired into their front lines as he tried to sodomize a cannon.
Lt. Col. Walter Featherhoof
Union
An unremarkable soldier, Featherhoof is notable for being the only unicorn to fight on either side of the Civil War.
*First Bull Run, Pea Ridge, Antietam
Confederacy
There were approximately 12,000 Union casualties in the Battle of Fredricksburg. Garvey was responsible for 10,000 alone. Born in 1830, he somehow managed to enlist in the British Expeditionary Force at the beginning of World War I, and died in a trench at the Battle of the Somme, his hands clenched around the neck of a dead German soldier.
Maj. Alfie McClellan
Union
Brother of one time Union Army general-in-chief Gen. George McClellan, this notorious drunk showed up for three distinct battles* naked except for his cavalry saber. A hero of the Battle of Antietam, he somehow managed to take fifty Confederate troops prisoner when his bottom half was fired into their front lines as he tried to sodomize a cannon.
Lt. Col. Walter Featherhoof
Union
An unremarkable soldier, Featherhoof is notable for being the only unicorn to fight on either side of the Civil War.
*First Bull Run, Pea Ridge, Antietam
Thursday, January 8, 2009
My Favorite Reality Show Catchphrases
1. “I’m doing this for my eight stepsons.”
-Randy, Big Brother: Lunar Edition
2. “Sob, sob, sob, gargle—“
-Dr. Cal, Who Wants to Stab a Doctor?
3. “For every date I don’t get, somebody loses a toe.”
-Lindsay B., Marry Michael McDonald
4. “Let’s crank this shit up to Mahler, bitch!”
-Dino, Flava Flav’s Next Top Concert Cellist
5. "We're all cannibals now."
-Ned 'Eat the Soup' Coates, Survivor: Gobi
6. "Scream! Scream! Scream!"
-Vicky Hollister, Top Chef: Vegan
7. “BORK OUT.”
-Robert Bork, Court of Love
8. "Too many tentacle!"
-SN Narayan, HP's Love Craft
9. “I’m a sex addict. And an alcoholic. Help me.”
-Marty, Boner Island
10. "Blood of the Lamb in the houuuuuuuuuuuse!”
-Greg, America’s Next Top Preacher
11. “One step away from a million bucks and you won’t fuck a goat? Get out the way.”
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor HBO
*Big ups to my home-slice Remi Treuer for contributing to this list.
-Randy, Big Brother: Lunar Edition
2. “Sob, sob, sob, gargle—“
-Dr. Cal, Who Wants to Stab a Doctor?
3. “For every date I don’t get, somebody loses a toe.”
-Lindsay B., Marry Michael McDonald
4. “Let’s crank this shit up to Mahler, bitch!”
-Dino, Flava Flav’s Next Top Concert Cellist
5. "We're all cannibals now."
-Ned 'Eat the Soup' Coates, Survivor: Gobi
6. "Scream! Scream! Scream!"
-Vicky Hollister, Top Chef: Vegan
7. “BORK OUT.”
-Robert Bork, Court of Love
8. "Too many tentacle!"
-SN Narayan, HP's Love Craft
9. “I’m a sex addict. And an alcoholic. Help me.”
-Marty, Boner Island
10. "Blood of the Lamb in the houuuuuuuuuuuse!”
-Greg, America’s Next Top Preacher
11. “One step away from a million bucks and you won’t fuck a goat? Get out the way.”
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor HBO
*Big ups to my home-slice Remi Treuer for contributing to this list.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sci-Fi Channel Original Movies That Need to Be Made
Draculasaurus Rex
A group of scientists and soldiers are sent to a secret government compound to investigate the apparent disappearance of the project’s head, Dr. Vladmir Poletzin. The team is picked off one-by-one by Poletzin’s “pet" project, an undead dinosaur that drinks the blood of the living. It’s up to sexy demonologist Veruca Pendelton, bumbling paleontologist Merle Watson, and hard-nosed soldier with a past Ben King to escape the island before their blood becomes lunch and their bodies become trash. Starring Rhys Milton, Jonathan Stein-Myrtle and Melissa Stevens.
Blood of the Vikings
Did you know that you can get old movie sets for cheap? You can! We’ve taken the set from a film whose title rhymes with “The Dirteenth Borrior” to bring you the story of Var, a Viking warrior who must battle an army of CGI demons, armed only with a replica sword and a throwing axe. Starring Eric Van Derling, Sheena Willenby and Stone Cold Steve Austin-Ricks as Millicent, Queen of the Demons.
Ghost Houseboat
It’s spring break, but a group of lower-middle-class teenagers aren’t going to Cabo! They’ll be spending a Natural Light-fueled orgy week at Lake Serenity, partying it up on a houseboat. Little do they know that the houseboat has been possessed by the spirit of a dead Jet Ski salesman. Will Timmy, Tubby and Tonya escape the lake before they become the houseboat’s latest victims, or will they become permanent residents? NOTE: contains a graphic scene of a chemical toilet swallowing a teenage boy and digesting him slowly, like a pitcher plant. Starring Merlot Martin, Bentley Lewis, and Elizabeth Stanley-Forsberg.
Spacefight!
Spacefight!
Vice President Chupacabra
Diego the Chupacabra thought that he’d have four, maybe eight years of leisure when he accepted the Vice Presidential nomination. But when the President is kidnapped by terrorists in Diego’s native Puerto Rico, it’s up to the supposedly mythical creature to break some terrorist faces, just like he breaks ties in the Senate. Starring Merv Wilson-Seradski-Olson, Deanna Ricebowl and Shannon Sharpe as Diego.
A group of scientists and soldiers are sent to a secret government compound to investigate the apparent disappearance of the project’s head, Dr. Vladmir Poletzin. The team is picked off one-by-one by Poletzin’s “pet" project, an undead dinosaur that drinks the blood of the living. It’s up to sexy demonologist Veruca Pendelton, bumbling paleontologist Merle Watson, and hard-nosed soldier with a past Ben King to escape the island before their blood becomes lunch and their bodies become trash. Starring Rhys Milton, Jonathan Stein-Myrtle and Melissa Stevens.
Blood of the Vikings
Did you know that you can get old movie sets for cheap? You can! We’ve taken the set from a film whose title rhymes with “The Dirteenth Borrior” to bring you the story of Var, a Viking warrior who must battle an army of CGI demons, armed only with a replica sword and a throwing axe. Starring Eric Van Derling, Sheena Willenby and Stone Cold Steve Austin-Ricks as Millicent, Queen of the Demons.
Ghost Houseboat
It’s spring break, but a group of lower-middle-class teenagers aren’t going to Cabo! They’ll be spending a Natural Light-fueled orgy week at Lake Serenity, partying it up on a houseboat. Little do they know that the houseboat has been possessed by the spirit of a dead Jet Ski salesman. Will Timmy, Tubby and Tonya escape the lake before they become the houseboat’s latest victims, or will they become permanent residents? NOTE: contains a graphic scene of a chemical toilet swallowing a teenage boy and digesting him slowly, like a pitcher plant. Starring Merlot Martin, Bentley Lewis, and Elizabeth Stanley-Forsberg.
Spacefight!
Spacefight!
Vice President Chupacabra
Diego the Chupacabra thought that he’d have four, maybe eight years of leisure when he accepted the Vice Presidential nomination. But when the President is kidnapped by terrorists in Diego’s native Puerto Rico, it’s up to the supposedly mythical creature to break some terrorist faces, just like he breaks ties in the Senate. Starring Merv Wilson-Seradski-Olson, Deanna Ricebowl and Shannon Sharpe as Diego.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Tattoos that mean something
1. A reproduction of the famous Abu-Ghraib “pyramid” photo, only instead of Lynndie England, the torture is presided over by Jack, the spokes-cone for Jack in the Box. Location: between shoulder blades.
2. A horse with roller skates for feet. Think how fast that would be! Location: left side of neck.
3. Photorealistic portrait of Violent J from Insane Clown Posse. His mouth looks like he’s saying “I love you”. Location: inner thigh.
4. My online banking password. I always forget that! Location: palm of hand, duhhhh.
5. Tribal tattoo. Location: encircling bicep.
2. A horse with roller skates for feet. Think how fast that would be! Location: left side of neck.
3. Photorealistic portrait of Violent J from Insane Clown Posse. His mouth looks like he’s saying “I love you”. Location: inner thigh.
4. My online banking password. I always forget that! Location: palm of hand, duhhhh.
5. Tribal tattoo. Location: encircling bicep.
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