80s-Style Action Shows That Never Got Past A Pilot

HAT!
Curmudgeonly ex-spook uses his godlike intelligence to terrorize his clients while solving their problems. Starring Stephen Fry and Omar Epps.

FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS

Family of crooked cops lives next to a family of principled gangsters. Hilarity ensues. Large ensemble cast featuring Mr. T, Hillary Duff, Don Johnson, Dwayne Johnson, Howard Johnson, Cher, and Billy Ray Cyrus.

BURDEN OF PROOF
Sherpa-turned-D.A. Naksin "Nak" Shinabat brings New York drug-criminals to justice by day and women to his bed by night. Starring Don Johnson and Verne Troyer.

PER DIEM
Former soldiers-of-fortune-turned-day-traders solve corporate crime on Wall Street . . . any way they can. Starring Richard Hatch, Susan Sarandon and Cheech Marin.

TWO IF BY SEA
Paul Revere's great-great-great-great-great grandson and his wife are no-nonsense members of the Massachusetts Port Authority, catching drug smugglers using a speedboat named "Horse." Starring Elvis McClatchy and Donna Springboard.

CHICAGO RUMBLE
Two Chicago transit police get in over their heads. Buddy action-comedy. Filmed on-location. Starring Don Johnson and Verne Troyer.

KICKFACE
Kickface. Starring Jessica Alba. Produced by James Cameron.

COACH DETECTIVE
Steve Spurrier retires from coaching to become a private detective. Brutal violence ensues. Starring Steve Spurrier as himself.

SHAOLIN SHALOM

A rabbi cop has a crisis of faith and pursues the path of buddhism . . . and kung fu. Starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion.

MURDERWORLD
A post-apocalyptic cop on the edge solves crimes through old technology and past life regression therapy. Starring Amanda Bynes and featuring Ted Danson as 'Mystic Potato.'

Gordon Ramsay Compliments

1. "That was not terrible."

Guest Post: New Shows Hoping to Follow the Success of Meerkat Manor

Prairie Dog Palace
Muskrat Mansion
Chinchilla Villa
Rat Ranch
Maison Mouse
Ferret Flat
Porcupine Plantation
Ermine Estate
Vole Vale
Beaver Beach House
Squirrel Square
Shrew Shack

This guest post (hopefully the first of many) was written by the superfriends, Jeremy S. Griffin and Callie Peck! Visit their sites, love them! -j. joe-nah jameson

My Favorite Reality Show Catchphrases

1. “I’m doing this for my eight stepsons.”
-Randy, Big Brother: Lunar Edition

2. “Sob, sob, sob, gargle—“
-Dr. Cal, Who Wants to Stab a Doctor?

3. “For every date I don’t get, somebody loses a toe.”
-Lindsay B., Marry Michael McDonald

4. “Let’s crank this shit up to Mahler, bitch!”
-Dino, Flava Flav’s Next Top Concert Cellist

5. "We're all cannibals now."
-Ned 'Eat the Soup' Coates, Survivor: Gobi

6. "Scream! Scream! Scream!"
-Vicky Hollister, Top Chef: Vegan

7. “BORK OUT.”
-Robert Bork, Court of Love

8. "Too many tentacle!"
-SN Narayan, HP's Love Craft

9. “I’m a sex addict. And an alcoholic. Help me.”
-Marty, Boner Island

10. "Blood of the Lamb in the houuuuuuuuuuuse!”
-Greg, America’s Next Top Preacher

11. “One step away from a million bucks and you won’t fuck a goat? Get out the way.”
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor HBO

*Big ups to my home-slice Remi Treuer for contributing to this list.