Alton Brown Quotes That Won't Be Appearing in the Next Cookbook

"Puppy steaks are the frosting of the meat world. They're great to eat when you're depressed!"

"You've got to really beat the chicken flat, like that bully who called you 'fagballs' through high school."

"To test your deep-fryer, coat your fist in your batter, like so. Now just dip it in. If it's a golden brown, you're ready to make some onion rings!"

"I believe in versatility in my kitchen implements. Flamethrowers are perfect in this respect. A murder weapon that destroys the evidence, what could be finer?"

"Rat semen was considered a delicacy by ancient Romans . . . and the Kennedys."

"Adding eggs to flour is a bit like flying a plane into a building. You want to do it one at a time"

"That wedding dress is basically putting lipstick on a pig. Which, incidentally, is one of my favorite ways to eat pork. Smeared in lipstick."

My Favorite Reality Show Catchphrases

1. “I’m doing this for my eight stepsons.”
-Randy, Big Brother: Lunar Edition

2. “Sob, sob, sob, gargle—“
-Dr. Cal, Who Wants to Stab a Doctor?

3. “For every date I don’t get, somebody loses a toe.”
-Lindsay B., Marry Michael McDonald

4. “Let’s crank this shit up to Mahler, bitch!”
-Dino, Flava Flav’s Next Top Concert Cellist

5. "We're all cannibals now."
-Ned 'Eat the Soup' Coates, Survivor: Gobi

6. "Scream! Scream! Scream!"
-Vicky Hollister, Top Chef: Vegan

7. “BORK OUT.”
-Robert Bork, Court of Love

8. "Too many tentacle!"
-SN Narayan, HP's Love Craft

9. “I’m a sex addict. And an alcoholic. Help me.”
-Marty, Boner Island

10. "Blood of the Lamb in the houuuuuuuuuuuse!”
-Greg, America’s Next Top Preacher

11. “One step away from a million bucks and you won’t fuck a goat? Get out the way.”
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor HBO

*Big ups to my home-slice Remi Treuer for contributing to this list.