"You've got to really beat the chicken flat, like that bully who called you 'fagballs' through high school."
"To test your deep-fryer, coat your fist in your batter, like so. Now just dip it in. If it's a golden brown, you're ready to make some onion rings!"
"I believe in versatility in my kitchen implements. Flamethrowers are perfect in this respect. A murder weapon that destroys the evidence, what could be finer?"
"Rat semen was considered a delicacy by ancient Romans . . . and the Kennedys."
"Adding eggs to flour is a bit like flying a plane into a building. You want to do it one at a time"
"That wedding dress is basically putting lipstick on a pig. Which, incidentally, is one of my favorite ways to eat pork. Smeared in lipstick."
